Saturday, October 28, 2006

While I'm alone and blue as can be...

Recently I had one of those dreams that stays with you all day, the kind that you can't stop thinking about for some reason, and that you remember in vivid detail. Usually these are dreams that I remember because they make me feel intensely happy -
thank god it's not the nightmares that I remember for days afterwards. This particular dream is not at all interesting, but it keeps reminding me of the best dream I've ever had.

14 months before I was born, my mother had a baby boy born prematurely at 24 weeks. He didn't survive the day; it was 1980 and they just weren't able to do the things they're able to do now to save premmie babies. Even though this all happened before I was born, I've always felt kind of connected to him - my parents had only planned on having 2 children, so if things hadn't turned out they way they did I wouldn't be here. Though essentially we're like 2 ships passing in the night, he's still my blacks on blondes brother. I even plan on naming one of my own children - should I have them - after him.

The best dream I've ever had, and the one that has stayed with me more than a year since having it, was about my brother. In it he is fully grown, 14 months older than me, and totally awesome. He looks more like my sister than like me, which is OK, but personality wise he's alot like my dad. He takes care of me, watches out for his little sister. He is thoughtful and generous and cool. What I sometimes forget is that he's totally made up. I'm not under any sort of delusion that my dream is anything but a manefestation of what I would have wanted in a big brother, but it still makes me very happy to imagine that could have been what life would be like. In the dream I felt safe and protected and loved, and so proud of him. And that's
what I still remember, and what makes the dream so real even after all this time. I just hope I remember forever.